Dear Prospective Employer
Thank you for posting your job opening on the internet, so that it took no real effort for me to find and apply for it. That being said, I’m slightly interested in your opening and I hope this cover letter makes it seem that I’m actually interested in your company and not just applying for any and all job openings.
I see in the job description that you require *expert* knowledge of Microsoft Office. I am pleased to say that I have been using Microsoft Office since I was seven, like the vast majority of my generation. You state further that you’d like advanced knowledge of Excel, including pivot tables and formulas. After a degree in mathematics and four years of programming functions in MATLAB and C++, I would hope to god I can type “=sum(X:Y)” five times and construct something you seem to think requires any real training.
In addition to this basic training, I am also proficient in Googling. On the off chance that I won’t know how to construct a rudimentary document for you, I possess the ability to search for the missing information and complete a task within seconds. Once I get the hang of a task, I can most likely set some macros that will do the work for me. This is not only more efficient, but will allow me more time to play World of Warcraft in the office.
All in all, I’d say that I’m very well qualified to fill your bullshit excuse for a job opening. If you’d like to meet with me to discuss my qualifications further, I am available at the phone number listed above. I do request that you state clearly the name of your company, job title, and a short description, due to the fact that I probably applied to your position at the same time as fourteen others and won’t remember anything about you. But please, pretend that I’m interested in you alone.
Sincerely,
Jonathan
